Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Adventures of Mark Twain Turning Over in His Grave, Again.




Cowardly school boards and satirically-challenged parents rejoice! The banning of Huck Finn discussions are still going on in America. An edition has recently been released in which the word, “nigger”, is replaced with “slave”, in both Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. Holy Shit.

Mark Twain wrote a masterpiece that not only influenced all American writing in its wake; his work is just as powerful and morally applicable today as it was back then. He confronted racism with a satirical approach, and if teachers have trouble teaching it, too bad. If they are uncomfortable, oh well. Can’t be any harder than teaching a 15 year old meth-head Chaucer. Old English and tweaking usually are not a great combination. “Billy’s licking the Wife of Bath again.” Better yet, if your kid comes home crying about the language in the book (probably won’t happen) or he/she doesn’t get it, then employ your fucking parenting skills and make them understand what they are reading is a reflection of America’s history; of its reality in that time.

For crying out loud. Why are parents always so annoyed about having to be parents? “What am I supposed to tell my kid when he asks about Jimmy Duncan’s two mommies?”. I don’t know, explain it to them. Be their parent. Your children are so much more accepting of people, of differences, of alternate paths of thinking than you are. That’s why little kids clap when they see giant purple dinosaurs or humans in colorful worm suits. I think they’ll be alright with two guys kissing. Maybe they should explain racism and bigotry to you.

Our kids can handle Huck Finn. Trust me. It’s you, overbearing parent. It's you, religious right secret masturbating zealot. It's you, spineless school board member, clutching your well paying job. You’re the people with the problem. Stop projecting your own fears and ignorance onto your children. And if you don’t get Huck Finn? First off, stop breeding. You are not very bright, and the world begs you to stop bringing dumb children into it. Second, take your current children to their grandparents for a year or so, and dedicate your time to learning some basic literary concepts. Its only fair that if you are going to object to a word or sentence or book, you should, at the very least, make an effort to understand exactly what you are objecting to. Oh, and get bent.





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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Amazing Bible Lessons: The Deuts




Hey boys and girls, once again its time for another beautiful, uplifting nugget of moral guidance from that classic trumpeter of murder, rape, and slavery…..The Bible! Gotta love yee Old Testament. Timely subject matter, I know. But the good book is what is on Brodie's mind today. So, here’s a little ditty from Deuteronomy 22:28-29. Deuteronomy, or what I sometimes like to call, seriously God?:

If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.

Way to go God! You see kids, once again he is teaching you many valuable lessons at once. God is not condoning rape and slavery here. Rather, he is promoting responsible rape and dedicated slavery. If you don’t have a lot of money or you find yourself to be a commitment-phobe, you should refrain from raping any young woman. God does not, and I want to make this absolutely clear, love slavery and rape. But for a little cash and a pledge, he's willing to look the other way. Also, note how he specifies, a young woman who is not engaged. You see the benefits of getting married at a young age, girls? To a young man that is. You don’t want to marry a woman, or you will be put to death. Fair is fair.

For now, let's focus and just remember if you are gonna go a-raping, remember to carry plenty of cash and a loyal heart. Its what God wants.



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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Perfect Songs: Neighbors Know My Name

Trey Songz- Neighbors Know My Name

When an artist writes the perfect song, often times it goes unnoticed by the untrained ear. Trey Songz did so and now I am going to spend countless minutes dissecting it for you. You are welcome. Who is Trey? R Kelly Jr.? Maybe. A brilliant songwriter? Undeniably. One of the greatest things to ever happen to music, nay humanity? Decide for yourself. Take a listen to his perfect tune, while I break down its meaning and purpose and general amenche (not a word, maybe).

Neighbors Know my Name


[Verse 1]
Soon as we get started makin love goin harder hear a.. (knock knock) knocking on the wall, (Trey gets right to the point, he is fucking.)
And as soon as I go deep getting it in then again theres a.. (knock knock) knocking on the wall, (Pretty standard, putting it in and out. He’s going deep though, which tells us two things. One, he knows what he’s doing. And two. Big penis.)
Girl your legs keep shakin I swear we breakin our new headboard headboard (I love the fact that the background vocal repeats the word headboard. Unprecedented, putting the emphasis on the headboard here. Trey is obviously an innovator.)
And the love we make it feels so good girl you know I'm proud lookin in your lovely face scream my name you do it so loud (He’s proud of both of them, which is a rare emotion to have during sex. I thought that pride came before the ball.)

[Chorus:]
I bet the neighbors know my name
Way you screamin scratchin yellin, (The three true hallmarks of great sex.)
Bet the neighbors know my name
They be stressin while we sexin, (That’s just a great line. Who are these uptight people that live next door?)
I bet the neighbors know my name
My name my name
I bet the neighbors know my name
My my my...

Take this pillow right here (grab this) (Now he’s gonna get instructional, in falsetto. Sort of like the hokey pokey for hard fucking. The innovation continues.)
And I know you're so excited if you bite it they wont hear (I thought you were proud Trey? Do you want them to know your name or what?)
And you know just what we capable of, when we makin love
So the music gone be loud, you gone scream and shout
Girl your body's a problem, they call me the problem solver (What the? It’s clear he knows what he’s doing. What is there to figure out? Does she have two vaginas? No matter, Trey Songz has figured out the riddle that is fucking this bitch.)
Let phone sit on the charger, it could ring all night (I love that he had the sense to plug the phone into the charger before they got down to business.)
They can call, they can knock, and be upset, but I bet (Songz leaves us hanging here. What does he bet?)

[Chorus]
I bet the neighbors know my name (Oh shit, that's right. He's wagering on whether or not the neighbors know his name. I'm guessing he is pretty confident that they know it.)
Way you screamin scratchin yellin,
Bet the neighbors know my name (Trey!)
They be stressin while we sexin,
I bet the neighbors know my name (Trey Songz!)
My name my name
I bet the neighbors know my name (I no longer doubt his voracity.)
My my my...

[Verse 2]
Ill be bangin on yo body, they be bangin on our wall (Symmetry. Trey is no stranger to it. He clearly has the chops.)
While they dreamin, you be screamin now they bangin on our door (These people just don’t get it. Go ahead, go to the door, you think Trey is gonna let a little door banging stop him? You have not been paying attention.)
Sometimes she call me Trey, sometimes she say Tremaine (I bet the neighbors know his given name.)
When its all said and done bet the neighbors know my name
Sometimes she call me trigga cause I make her body blush (I don’t know what that means.)
They might think my name is OH SHHHHH, I make her cuss (Seriously neighbors? Idiots.)

[Chorus:]
I bet the neighbors know my name
Way you screamin scratchin yellin,
Bet the neighbors know my name
They be stressin while we sexing (Now I know why I like that line so much. He stole it from Thomas Jefferson. It’s from his Declaration on the Rights of Slave Bangers. Jefferson does it again. It's like my pappa tells me, "Lil' Brodie, read your Constitution and Bill of Rights and stuff of that ilk. No one knows what is best for you like dead, white men with white wigs.".)
I bet the neighbors know my name
My name my name
I bet the neighbors know my name
Neighbors know my name
I bet the neighbors know my name (I feel just walking next door sometime next week would clear everything up. "Hi, I'm-" "We know who you are, Trey. Come on in.")
Way you screamin scratchin yellin,
Bet the neighbors know my name
They be stressin while we sexin
I bet the neighbors know my name
My name my name
I bet the neighbors know my name (If anyone is still in the dark after another chorus, Trey Songz has sex with his girl in such a hard, deep, and rhythmic manner, that she can’t help but declare his name aloud. She does this to pay homage to the way he does his business, but the volume at which she does this disturbs their neighbors. They most likely live in an apartment.)

[Verse 3]
The way you scream my name (the way you scream my name)
Woah (Now even Tremaine is taken aback by his girl’s guttural yawlpings.)
Girl the love we make (girl the love we make)
Gone keep on bangin on the wall, but nothings gonna change
I bet the neighbors know my name (We end at an impasse. Trey has learned nothing from the situation, and his neighbors refuse to open their minds. Which leaves us to ponder. A song about rough sex and its effect on those around it and involved in it? Or a commentary on our current social and political climate? Only Trey knows the truth, and the neighbors know his name. All in all, a perfect song.)





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