(Opulent office reception area, outside an opulent office, in an office building which represents the height of opulence)
Brodie: Hi, Brodie Evers, I have a two o’clock.
Receptionist: Let’s see, Evers. Here you are. Have a seat Mr. Evers, your Student Loan will be with you in just a moment.
Brodie (grabbing a gossip magazine): Hey, look at this, Kim Kardashian drinking a latte, she really is like the rest of us.
(Door swings open, Student Loan emerges on his cell phone)
Student Loan: Billionaires want a tax break on Social Security, sure, just keep those campaign contributions coming.
Student Loan: Brodie, my boy! Please, come on in, have a seat. Wow. Brodie Evers, good to fucking see ya. Man, we have had some great times together. Remember college?
Brodie: Yeah, you really helped me have some fun back then.
Student Loan: Fun? We used to finger bang life, my friend. Remember the time you and I purchased three bottles of Alize and drank them with the dimwit down the street? How’d you turn that girl out?
Brodie: Yeah, that was pretty good, but-
Student Loan: That house you and your friends rented? The was a fun place man. Man, we were really great friends back then.
Brodie: Yeah, I wonder what happened? Oh, that’s right....eight months after I graduated, you began raping me.
Student Loan: Broads, come on. I’m just doing my thing. Don’t hate the....well you know.
Brodie: Listen, I want a lower interest rate.
Student Loan (clicking button on the phone): Joanne bring me in a water or tea or something so I can do a spit take. A lower interest rate? Sure, become a small business man in Indonesia and get a micro loan from some NPR interview subject. That way you’ll have the rate you're looking for and two small goats.
Brodie: Listen-
Student Loan: Whats that English major? You want a lower interest rate? How bout we give you a higher interest rate on your loan instead?
Brodie: Okay, I’m listening.
Student Loan: That will force you to go into further debt.
Brodie: I’m with ya.
Student Loan: That way bro, when you try to get other loans, say a car, house, maybe financing on a fridge, your credit will be poor enough that we charge you even more interest.
Brodie: Doesn’t sound so good.
Student Loan: Now, here’s the kicker. The more fucking interest you accrue, the more loans you’ll need, and the more loans you take on, the more the interest will accrue. It will be a vicious cycle of debt that you will never fully recover from.
Brodie: I don’t know if this is for me, I think I want out. Can’t you just tax rich people more, since most of them have the money to find tax loopholes that ensure that they pay way less, percentage wise, than the rest of us, anyway?
Student Loan: Nope, they give us money to exist. Plus, they need that money to spend on hiring you.
Brodie: Oh, so I’m gonna get a higher paying job?
Student Loan: No, no, that’s just something we say. The rich hoard their money. But, it sounded great when you heard it, didn’t it?
Brodie: Sure did. Well, how bout you tax the rich on more than just 100,000 of their earnings for social security? That will generate billions and you can lower my interest rate.
Student Loan: Who told you that?
Brodie: Is it true?
Student Loan: Well yes, but they need that money for their mistresses. Tell you what, here’s a government condom, free of charge, go home, make love to your girl, eat some McDonald’s, and fall asleep watching the Amazing Race. Maybe one day you can be on a show like that and be rich too! Live the dream!
Brodie: Oh, actually, my girl left me.
Student Loan: Oh, I’m so sorry. Go on.
Brodie: Yeah, she valued that American dream you were talking about.
Student Loan: Yes!
Brodie: What?!
Student Loan: I mean, that’s a real shame, Brodacious. Well, if you still love her, you can take comfort in the fact that she will meet a successful person and they’ll have all the material things that they can squeeze into to their little corner of the world, and thus, happiness! Yay!
Brodie: Hey why do you have her picture on you desk?
Student Loan: Well, your not the only one with a student loan. Rape someone for enough years and sometimes it turns into love.
Brodie: The love of my life is banging my student loan?
Student Loan: Technically, I’m banging her.
Brodie: I just came in here looking for a lower interest rate.
Student Loan: Well now you got a higher one, and you know were you stand with your ex. That’s a success in my book.
Brodie: But what about the finger banging life.
Student Loan: You can keep that condom. Smiles Brodilly, I see big things for you. And be sure to give your credit card to Joanne on the way out.
Brodie: Um, okay, thanks.
To be continued………
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