1) If you post something to the effect, “Went shopping and had ice cream with (insert girlfriend/boyfriend name) today. I love (girlfriend/boyfriend) so much. He/She is the greatest girlfriend/boyfriend in the world. You, A) Don’t really love your girlfriend/boyfriend all that much, and B) Want your ex girlfriend/boyfriend to see how happy you are with your new girlfriend/boyfriend. You are kind of a bad person.
2) If you are quoting songs in your updates, relate them to something. I have rarely seen a song quoted, followed by a “great line” statement, where the line was actually any good. And if you are quoting an emo song.....you want you ex girlfriend/boyfriend to see it. Also, if you must quote a song, please chill out on the monde greens (real term, check it out). You’re already on the Internet, look it up!
3) Girls, the picture you take of yourself, holding the camera at a downward angle, really? How about you just wear a t-shirt that says, “insecure and easy to bang”.
4) If you write a homophobic or racial slur on your status update, people will see it. You’re not Eminem and your updates are not art or artistic expression. Elton John is not going to back up your next update on the piano. Think about it before you write it or, at the very least, don’t be surprised by the consequences of it.
5) Reading, posting, checking, poking, or anything of the like, while you are driving? Ridiculous. Yet it happens all the time. I guess after you smash into and murder a family of four, you can comfort their surviving family members by telling them that 345 people now know that you are, "so excited about my new shoes!!!!!!!".
6) Maybe not Facebook specific, but equip all computers with a device that causes your computer to explode immediately after you type 'LOL'. Talk about weeding out the weak links. Hitler would have loved that idea. I take that back. Hitler probably was an LOLer. That son of a bitch. I'm taking a stand, I'm against Hitler. I don't condone anything he did. There I said it.
7) If you friended me on Facebook and then don't come up and say hi when you see me in public, then it is clear that you operate in two different universes. Get a grip. It is like people are two people now. Outside world people and little freakish computer imps, spying on acquaintances and judging them from the safe haven of their laptops.
8) Not so subtle status updates. You know who you are. "I wish some people would be a little more considerate to certain other people when they say there going to do something and then don't follow through. They should just get a life." Oh really, just a general statement there? Just popped into your head? How about you call the person and say, "Fuck you Justin, you shouldn't of blown me off!" No, just publicly shame them in a vague, self-righteous way. Passive-aggressive humans now have free reign via cables or satellites or however the world wide web works. Sucky.
9) Don't let Facebook become a gateway site. There are people who can smoke weed all day and never touch another drug in their entire life. Then there are those who take a hit and would strangle their own Grandmother to get their hands on every kind of drug possible. Those people should stay away from Facebook. For them, Facebooking can leading to Twittering, and Twitter abuse will cause them to slowly get dumber until their brain is reduced to a fetal state. Twitter is crack for morons. Just stay on yahoo and check your email and maybe the weather.
10) Just stay the fuck off of Facebook. Why are you trolling around on it anyway? Remember the good old days, when your roommate caught you masturbating to a Janet Jackson CD cover or the TV Guide and it would take years for everyone you know to hear the story? Now you do that and you become Paul Reubens overnight (old reference, so if you have a terrible memory or you just emerged from a twenty year coma, google Paul Reubens, movie theater, don’t be Internet lazy). And why are you constantly posting little things about yourself? After the third time you saw Ashton Kutcher or Justin Timberlake on TV, you said, “man, what a douschebag”. That’s you and your posts now, except you have no discernible talent. So, basically your Ashton Kutcher.
*I post my blog address on my Facebook page. So, take the hypocritical asshole who writes ten Facebook rules with a grain of salt. Don’t know what that expression means? Look it up. You're on the Internet.
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