Sam, the Group Leader: Hello everyone, I would like to welcome all to our first meeting of the new year. Let’s hope 2011 is a lot better for all of us than last year. I would also like to welcome a new member to our group. Joe, could you please introduce yourself and say a few words to get the ball rolling.
Joe: Hello everyone, my friend Andrew suggested that I come here, and he didn‘t really tell me why. I guess I’ve been having some unusual trouble with people lately, but I’m not quite sure why. Anyways, my name is Joe-
Dave: Let me just interrupt for a moment. Sam, I have something that I really need to talk about.
Sam: Okay, but then we get to Joe.
Dave: Fine, it’s just, on my way here I stopped off at that new sandwich shop on 82nd St.
Wayne: Wait, not Eli's Deli?
Dave: That’s the one.
(The Group, excluding Joe, lets out a groan.)
Dave: So you’ve all been there I take it. Anyway, I didn’t know they were going to let me know my sandwich was ready by calling out the name on my credit card.
Wayne: They should really have a sign.
Dave: Long story short, my name was belted out over the loudspeakers and bam....an old lady came up and spit on my face.
Sam: Sorry Dave.
Wayne: We are here for you man.
Joe: Why would she spit on you for your name? What kind of group is this?
Sam: Isn’t it obvious? You're here. I’m sure you have suffered the same hardships. Are you ready to share yet?
Joe: Share what? I'm not sure why I'm here.
Wayne: I'll go. Hi, my name is Wayne. Last week my basketball team got our new jerseys.
Sam: Oh, fantastic. How do they look?
Wayne: Fine, except they've started putting the names on the back of the jersey now.
Sam: Oh, that is not fantastic.
Wayne: Yeah, someone threw a wet shoe at me.
Sam: Talk it out, Wayne.
Wayne: I mean, who brings a wet shoe into a gym? It hit me in the head. Then the ref threw me out of the game for, as he put it, "letting my hatred become a distraction". Where does he get off?
Sam: You are a brave soul, Wayne. (Turns to his left) You’ve been quiet tonight. Why don’t you share your pain with Joe.
Adolf (takes a deep breath and pauses for about twenty seconds): Hello again everyone, my name is Adolf and I am a Hitler. I am not only burdened with the last name Hitler, but the infamous man was also my great uncle.
Joe: Whoa, I think I’m in the wrong room.
Sam (shaking his head): Denial is not gong to heal your pain, Joe. Now say your name out loud and speak your suffering.
Joe: No really, I don’t belong here.
Adolf: Of course you do, Joe. We are all brothers here.
Sam: Maybe we should hear a positive story to draw you out a little. Please Joe, sit. Dave, Wayne? Your band had a show this past week, how did it go?
Dave: Well……remember how you told us to own our power and stand up to the those who don’t believe in us because of some name.
Sam: The non-believers. Sure, sure.
Dave: Well, we changed the band name to the Amazing Hitlers.
Sam: Good for you, brothers. And how did that go?
Dave: Really bad.
Wayne: Really, really, really, terribly, awfully bad.
Dave: You know how we like to drink grape juice before we go on? A little ritual we have.
Sam: Yes, its important to keep on routine. Remember that Joe. Go on.
Dave: Well, I was unaware our mics were on, and just as the emcee was announcing us, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, the Amazing Hitlers, Wayne spilled his juice on me, at which point, I began to shout, “I hate juice! I hate juice. I’ve had enough of stupid juice. Let’s just end the whole juice thing.”.
Sam: Ohhhh. The crowd didn’t think you were saying “juice”, did they?
Wayne: No they did not.
Sam: Well, okay, that wasn’t very positive.
Joe: Listen, I understand that you guys deal with some awful things, but I really don’t belong here.
Adolf: Nonsense. Joe, don’t block out all of the hatred you’ve been through.
Sam: Yes, we’ve seen it all. You don’t have to be ashamed.
Dave: I’m afraid to grow a mustache.
Wayne: I have an irrational fear of high-fiving people.
Adolf: I had to give up my passion of being in a marching band.
Sam: You see Joe, it’s okay. My middle name is Steven. I am Samuel Steven Hitler. I’m SS Hitler. I can say it loud and proud. Now, please, share with us.
Joe: Okay, fine. I guess there was this one time that my name caused me a little bit of trouble.
Sam: That’s it Joe, don’t be afraid. This is a safe place.
Joe: Well, last year, my company had this contest and the winner got to throw out the first pitch at the Cubs game.
Dave: Oh no, I know where this is going. In front of the whole stadium? Ouch.
Joe: Yep, there I am, waving to the crowd, walking out to the mound, and he says it, Hey Cubs fans, here to throw out the first pitch, United Syndicate Services Realty salesman of the year, Joe Stalin.
Dave: Wait. What?
Wayne: Your name is Stalin, that’s why you’re here?
Adolf: Fuck you.
Joe: Hey, hold on a second. I heard a couple of boos after my name got called.
Sam: You pussy. Give me a break.
Joe: Hey, come on guys. Things are different nowadays. Half of the morons in this country think that we have a socialist President. I could be in danger.
Dave: In danger? Of what? Having a couple of old Ukrainians towel-whip you in a bath house? I’m David Hitler. I’ve never made love to a woman.
Wayne: Wayne Hitler, nice to meet ya. I’m on my fourth house. Hopefully this one won’t get burned down.
Adolf: Adolf Fucking Hitler. I’ve been stabbed fourteen different times.
Sam: Get out.
Joe: But Sam-
Sam: Get out!
(Just then, a man pops his head inside the room.)
Man: Hey there, Gary Polpot. Do I have the right room?
The Group: No!
Way better than the facebook post
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